Do you ever find yourself telling a story about something that happened to you, only to remember that it didn’t actually happen to you, but to the guy on his cell phone next to you that morning in the elevator, the subway or, worse yet, the bathroom stall? Such is the invasive power of wireless technology. It has us cornered—and there’s no place to go. On top of that, we seem to have lost our capacity for self-restraint. So conditioned are we to respond almost violently to the chirp of a wireless device that we descend into an imaginary world where our voracious appetite for “connection” propels us gape-mouthed through the masses like a blue whale through a scrim of plankton.

While this rising wall of white noise has pierced our consciousness, we’re not quite sure who’s to blame. A 2004 cell phone courtesy report conducted by Sprint queried 15,500 people, who reported that on the whole Americans are less courteous today than they were five years ago. No real surprise there, considering the exponential increase in wireless subscribers in that time. But the real kicker was that 97 percent of those surveyed claimed not to be the problem. Ah, there’s the rub: We’re deaf to our own invasive blather.

“People say this is the worst time in history for manners,” says Elizabeth Howell, director of public relations for the Emily Post Institute. And who, after a disconcerting encounter with some techno-jockey wired to his eardrums and yammering on about margins, would disagree?

More disturbing still is the answer it begs: We simply do not know any better. “I don’t think anybody walks out of their house in the morning and says, ‘I think I’ll be rude on my cell phone today,’” says Jacqueline Whitmore, Sprint cell-phone etiquette spokesperson and the author of Business Class: Etiquette Essentials for Success at Work. “I think it’s just a lack of awareness.” Whitmore says that one of the first steps in mending poor manners is to “be aware of how other people perceive you when using technology in public places.”

What’s so hard about honesty, respect and consideration?

So the big answers to the little questions about etiquette reside in a renewed sense of self-awareness. It’s not Zen, necessarily, but you will have to ask yourself, “Why can’t I keep my voice down?” Proper etiquette hinges on three principles, according to Howell: honesty, respect and consideration. But Howell understands the impulses that drive most of us: “Like Pavlov’s dogs,” she points out, “we’re hard-wired to respond to stimuli. Just remember: You can always return the call in a few minutes.” And that brings up another point: Learn how to use your wireless device. Howell counsels competence: “Be a master of your technology, not a slave to it.”

To help stem the growing tide of public disorder, the Emily Post Institute was polite enough to provide answers to nine common questions regarding wireless technology and self-indulgence. (See the quiz at right.) We threw in some etiquette static to see just see how well-mannered you really are. As you read each question, ask yourself, “What would Emily do?”

THE WIRELESS ETIQUETTE QUIZ

1. A lot of business could be conducted in the wasted time waiting to disembark from an airplane. Why wait to deplane before making a call?

A. There really isn’t a need to wait. You’ve just spent intimate time with many of these passengers and should feel comfortable conducting business while they happily listen to your melodious voice.

B. It is important to remember that when you make a cell phone call in close proximity to other individuals you are disregarding their space. You are conveying the message that your needs are more important than theirs.

C. As soon as the flight attendant says it’s OK to use electronic devices, it’s always a good idea to call anyone who will listen and tell them you’re waiting to get off an airplane.

2. You are in a meeting with your boss and colleagues when you receive an important call from a client. Do you answer?

A. If you are expecting a pressing call, let your colleagues know and put the phone on vibrate, then briefly excuse yourself when the call comes in.

B. Answer the phone in your seat and conduct business as if you have just as much right to make money as anybody else.

C. When your phone erupts into “Brick House,” hold the phone out in front of you so everyone can hear the song clearly, then look around the room to make sure heads are bobbing to the groove.

3. You conduct a lot of business on your cell phone in or around your cubicle. How should such calls be handled?

A. Freely roam the aisles while conducting business, stopping now and then to sit on colleagues’ desks.

B. Answer your phone with a hearty and confident, “Tell me a story, Governor!” then don a wireless headset, move to an open space and practice tai chi during the call.

C. Noise is the number-one cubicle complaint. When your office is a cubicle, extra effort must be made to keep your voice low: No one wants to hear your conversation (except for maybe the juicy parts).

4. An important client calls while you’re in the middle of lunch with other important clients. What should you do?

A. Have everyone at the table write their questions on cocktail napkins and feed them to you clockwise between questions from the client who has just called.

B. Put your phone on vibrate and let your luncheon partners know that you’re expecting an urgent call. However, when you are meeting with a client, it’s important to convey to them that their business is important to you. Standard etiquette says love the one you’re with.

C. Answer the call with your headset but pretend you didn’t, then blame a head cold for having to ask everyone to repeat themselves over and over again.

5. You want to forward an unflattering e-mail you’ve received about the boss to friends and colleagues. Is it safe?

A. Sending inappropriate e-mails to friends and colleagues is the right employees earn for spending so much of their lives in cubicles.

B. Because no one is ever fired for improper use of e-mail, launch compromising e-mails at will, being sure to include the names of your closest friends in the company.

C. E-mails are not private and can be monitored by your company. Assume that anything and everything you e-mail is public property. In others words, just don’t do it.

6. You receive an e-mail via BlackBerry from your boss during your family dinner. Although it’s not particularly urgent, you do need to respond—but when?

A. It’s important to be present during the family dinner. It is also important not to convey the message to your boss that you are available 24/7. Your response can wait until after dessert.

B. While it’s important to be present during the family dinner, it’s also important to keep your job. Spit the food from your mouth, shush the kids and send the response. Then admonish the kids for chewing too loudly and threaten them with military school.

C. Give your 5-year-old a big gulp of wine, then hand her the BlackBerry.

7. Because of a busy schedule, you often receive important calls in public bathrooms. Should you answer?

A. Public bathrooms have private stalls. Secure one, but talk only between flushes.

B. Don’t use your phone if people around you will be bothered. If you have to answer, tell the caller that you’ll call them back when you are in a more private location, such as your parked car.

C. Public bathrooms, like all public spaces, are there for open-ended conversations about anything you should choose to talk about, especially private health-related conversations about your colon.

8. You can’t keep yourself from using emoticons (smiley faces, etc.) in business e-mails. Is this good for your career?

A. In general, keep cute emoticons to a minimum. They may be annoying to some people. Keep the culture of the company you work for in mind.

 B. Since e-mails are increasingly being used in lawsuits, the unchecked use of emoticons threatens to make you look ridiculous in a court of law.

C. :)

9. You always hold your cell phone or BlackBerry in your hand during business meetings. Is this wise?

A. It’s not only advisable to hold some sort of wireless gizmo in your hand during important meetings, but you should flip it open periodically to check random phone numbers just to be sure you have them.

B. Holding a BlackBerry or cell phone isn’t necessarily rude, but people may question your addiction to the technology. Consider putting it in your briefcase or in a jacket pocket.

C. It’s common knowledge that cell phones are extensions of ourselves and don’t deserve to be carried in briefcases anymore than we do. :(

Answers: 1. a, 2. a, 3. c, 4. b, 5. c, 6. a, 7. b, 8. a, 9. b
The only polite score is 100 percent. If you missed one, please contact the Emily Post Institute at emilypost.com for a consultation.

Challengers to the Throne

Anyone who has had bestowed upon them the gift of the ever-vigilant BlackBerry knows just how convenient—and irritating—it can be. A dedicated e-mail device that can store files, surf the Web and manage your contact, not to mention make phone calls, is the wave of the corporate future.

But Kent German, senior associate editor and cell phone specialist for CNET.com, says there are plenty of challengers on the market—which may be a good thing given the patent lawsuit against BlackBerry maker Research In Motion Ltd. “Over the past couple of years,” he says, “a host of worthy competing devices have been rolled out by all the major cell phone carriers.” He notes that they are equipped with everything you will find on a BlackBerry, but come in a variety of designs and with different operating systems.

German says one of the most popular smart phones is the Palm Treo 650, which this year adds Bluetooth technology, a digital camera and a speakerphone (warning: major potential etiquette issues) to a host of already-impressive features. He also recommends that those looking for the ultimate connection should consider the Samsung SCH-i730, the Sony Ericsson P910, the Audiovox PPC6601 and the Siemens SX66.

Digital Etiquette

According Dr. Robert Roche, vice president of research with the Cellular Telecommunications & Internet Association (CTIA), not only have cell phone subscriptions increased 15 percent per year over the past five years, but usage time also has increased 15 percent per year over the same time period. “We recently went over 1.1 trillion minutes of use,” he adds. “And that doesn’t include text messages—4.6 billion were sent in December 2004 alone.”

The CTIA estimates that there are more than 195 million wireless subscribers in the U.S.—that’s more than 70 percent of Americans. Research in Motion (RIM), the manufacturer of the BlackBerry, reports that more than 49,000 corporations worldwide use their services, supplying more than 3 million users with the addictive little device often referred to as “crackberry.” So many people, in fact, are wired to wireless technology that, according to the Society for Human Resource Management, 40 percent of organizations in the U.S. have policies regarding cell phone use, with 12 percent more planning to add a policy in the next six months.

So chances are you, me and the three guys talking to themselves under that tree would be well-served to practice common decency with our wireless devices, otherwise the wars are just beginning.